I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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