And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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