his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
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