Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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