Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
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