fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
