I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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