I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
