i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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