last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
