If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
