maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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