At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
