It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
