i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
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Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
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This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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