sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
