how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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