It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
