What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
