I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
