I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
