I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
