the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
