just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
