this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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