I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
can u get pink eye on your cock?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
