I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
