I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
