It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
It's shark week go big or go home
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
