He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
