the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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