pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
