My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
