Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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