He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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