Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
