I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
