Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
