Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
