my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
