Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
