12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Sext me about skeletons
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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