I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Randomize
