And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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