Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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