When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
