I am in a vortex of obligation.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
