that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
