So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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