Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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