i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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