During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
