Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
