My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
